NEWS FLASH: God hates figs

Attention : Members of the Westboro Church... God doesn't hate "fags" as you all so charmingly put it. Turns out that was actually a typo. The real enemy to establishing God's kingdom on Earth is figs. That's right. Figs. God hates figs. So you all can drop the hating on homosexuals now.

(image and sentiments courtesy of Dale Rawlings)

OPEN LETTER TO TIVO, upon receiving a dunning notice in email

Dear Tivo:

I don't care if you turn the service off: I haven't activated it yet. If you fixed your website so that I could give you a new credit card number that would be nice, but you haven't bothered to do that.

I don't care if you're having technical difficulties: guess what? I'm having technical difficulties too.

As for your early termination fee: are you threatening me? I've been with Tivo since day one, and the way you show your gratitude for my loyalty is to have a bot send me mobster-style pseudo-friendly emails threatening fees and collection agencies. Can you spell "passive-aggressive?"

There's nothing worse, IMHO, than a passive-aggressive computer. Didn't you people see 2001 for God's Sake?

If I were a little crabbier I'd pack up all three of my Tivos and send them back to you in pieces. Comcast has a nice DVR service, I hear. Or DirectTV.

Maybe I'll decide to pay you. Maybe I won't. Feel free to send my account to a collection agency. I don't mind. I'd relish the chance to mix it up with a snotty little collection agency. I wouldn't bet on them if I were you.

Sincerely,

One pissed-off menopausal customer who's old enough to be your mother

email never sent...

Dear Airline Complaint Person:


I would like to register a general complaint for the past week: yes, I could sit at my computer and file complaint after complaint every minute for the maddening frequency and closeness of the airplanes this past week, yes, yes I understand that the weather patterns mean that the planes have to come in lower and yes yes yes I do understand that there’s just NOTHING ANYONE CAN DO about this, yes I get that everyone is doing everything they can the ameliorate the problem ma’am yes, yes, yes, I do GET THAT.


And I get that you would prefer if I would just complain on the complaint line like I’m supposed to.


Well, I don’t prefer to do that. I don’t want to do it your way.


I want to do it my way. And this is my way.


Don’t bother to reply with some formulaic crap: I’ve written more formulaic crap in my life than you’ve probably ever imagined, young man or woman, whoever you are, poor faceless drone, no I don’t really mean that no I don’t but yes I do yes yes yes I do.


So there.


Thank you for listening. No I don’t need help. Yes I’ve taken my medication. No I don’t need help. No I’m not going to harm myself or others. Promise.


Most sincerely, with most gracious gratitude for your kind attention, I remain,


Xandra Coe

Annoyed Citizen

Truth will out.

Denialism + Extremism = Exterminationalism + Political Power (Control of the Military) = Genocide/Mass Murder

Sunrise, Lake Calhoun

Ask, and Tell.